Biggest Dicks in Video Games

We've had it up to our perfect pert breasts with 'best jubblies', 'hottest female characters', 'sexiest gaming whore', 'top gaming jigglies', 'top ten boobies', 'best gaming breasts'. Where are the dicks?! Now you know it's a lot of straight guys dreams that we lesbians can't live without the dick, that we long for the dick, we need the dick, we secretly want the dick. Whilst we lesbians know this to not be the case, we'll let them have their egoist fantasies and do an article on dicks, because we're sick of the sexist tirades consistently aimed at female characters in gaming. Why is it okay for this constant bombardment about female characters, whilst the guys get left out? We think it's time the gaming penis got a shout out, with a tongue in cheek look at the large and the small.

Most games don't go out of their way to show off the male characters package and when a male character wears armor, it actually gives some useful coverage. Given you rarely see a bare chest or builders bum there for no other reason than the giggly amusement of the straight female player, we're going to guess as to the biggest dicks in gaming. You can take that double entendre however you like it by the way. Here we go.

Marcus Fenix - This guy is so full of steroids that he definitely hasn't made it onto the biggest dicks in gaming-he's a definite smallest, given he probably has to sit to pee. Mind you, Marcus makes up for his lack of physical dickedness with sheer personality dickedness and grunt. Marcus Fenix shows us what the world would be like if men were men and all they did was hang out with other men.. get sweaty together and grunt at one another. Wow... having written that I never realised before just how totally queer Gears of Wars is!

Spartan John - He's a eunuch and for this reason comes in at number one on the smallest dicks in gaming chart. It's a Storm Trooper thing, they don't want these guys doing what footballers do when they take their wives to away games, getting funky the night before the big game and then f_cking up on the field the following day. The UNSC take care of business when the Spartans are first 'conscripted', during the physical and mental augmentation period the castration and penisectomy is performed. Now you know why that MJOLNIR looks so snug.

Duke Nukem - This guy is like Ash from the Evil Dead series, without the actual cheesy charisma. Something noted about Duke is his like of large firearms, most notably the golden desert eagle he tends to wave around whilst he's being arrogant and sexist. It's fairly common knowledge within psychology that men with big motors and big guns are clearly overcompensating for what they lack elsewhere. Despite a lot of buxom tarts hurling themselves at Duke in game, we've heard it's actually the large bulge in his wallet they're after and not anything elsewhere. Egotistical misogynists get paid a lot of money to kill invading alien forces ya know, but you can't buy a filler of additional pant space, which sadly for Duke means socks aplenty.

Solid Snake - Oh where to begin, really with a name like that he should be number one on the biggest dicks in gaming, but the guy is old now and you know what happens when boys get old. Alas Solid Snake slips quietly further down the biggest dick in video gaming chart. All of that genetic cloning meant Solid Snake ended up being more of a Liquid Snake when Naked Snake was around. From what we hear housemate Meryl kept an electric man in her top dresser drawer--if you know what we're sayin.

Katamari King of Cosmos - He's here, he's queer and he's one massive dick. We're talking about the King of the Cosmos in the Katamari universe. It takes a big man to wear snug fitting purple tights that look like they've been painted on. There's nothing to hide and he doesn't care because he always looks like he's sporting a large padded jockstrap. I'm sure there is some sort of Freudian thing happening here with the fact he gets his huge headed son to roll around giant balls... but we won't go there.

Link - It takes a true man to wear skin tight white tights and feel comfortable in them. Whatever the age of Link in the various incarnations one thing stands out, and we know what that is don't we people, yes, the aforementioned ability to wear tights in an unashamed manner. From what we hear no additional socks were ever added to his outfit (unless they appeared on his rather large feet). Link always felt quite secure with just his tights and trusty sword... as the straight girlies in town like to call it. 

Mario - Only one thing can be said about our little overalled plumber.... He's the Ron Jeremy of gaming. Come on, you know you thought it, or at least you agree with the comparison now. He's portly, unnattractive with a stonking great.... moustache that he can seive soup through, but that damn Princess just can't get enough of him. We're guessing his plumbing is some of the best in gaming. For this reason we've placed Mario at number one in our biggest dicks in gaming list.

Is it a coincidence that Nintendo seem to have the biggest dicks in gaming whilst Microsoft have the smallest? Perhaps there's some sort of cosmic truth at work there, perhaps it just so happens the Xbox relies more on muscular grunt than the less than aptly titled 'Wii'. Whatever the case, we hope you've enjoyed the lesbian gamers .com Biggest & Smallest Dicks in Gaming. Feel free to add other dicks to our comments.. we just can't get enough dicks around here.. honestly.. no really.. seriously...

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Comments

[c4bl3fl4m3]

This is great! I especially love the mention of the flamingly queer King of All Cosmos, whose package is so terribly obvious in such a very GAY way in the game.

I'm still surprised that the Family Values Coalition or the like hasn't called out for a boycott of this "gay" game. I mean, a wonderful big flaming faggot with royal rainbows? If any game could turn your kids gay, this is it. ;-)

[Tanya]

what about Kratos? you get to bed women in 2 games! :)

[Eden]

It's not about bedding women, its about penis size, two things which are unrelated really, wel unless you are talking straight porn.
;op

Kratos looks like he's got nothing anyway, in his tiny tiny skirt.

[Anonymous]

Excellent article. I *laughed my ass off* many many times. Extremely well-written and interesting.

Keep it up!

[Orionis]

Hey don't forget Gabriel Knight. He's such a dick too.

[ash]

i have to agree my friend.
this is also very funny.
enjoy your day

[Caffe]

Actually, Kratos's kilt offers a good argument for him being quite well endowed. Let's remember here that if the man's going to fight, he's going to need to be able to move... and judging by his stance when he slings those chain blades around, he's got a lot to make space for.

Although I can't quite agree with the analysis of Snake. We're talking about a character who walks into a combat zone alone, with no equipment save cigarettes and binoculars... and the one weapon that's truly iconic to him (the Socom .45) is hardly a BFG. It's built for efficiency, dependability, and utility. When it comes down to it, Snake shows himself to have bigger balls (or more spine, if you prefer) than anyone else on the list. The fact that he doesn't like people, or seems not to demonstrate a sex drive just says that there is the rare man in the world who doesn't use his genitals as a divining rod.

[Ashley-Yin]

sorry for being so off topic.

considering how some Japanese characters are
(final fantasy 8)i think Link & Zelda are definite gender benders
first i have to say im talking more about the legend of Link not the others that you role play as. so... Link with his lush long hair, skirt thingy(i want one) and very pretty looks strikes me as being guite bendy, and the most recent Links never make much fuss when being given or asked to wear their skirt thingy.

Ah Princess Zelda, always arguing in the old anime. are they gonna get it on not as far as i remember, "Excuse me princess!". in the games she dosent really come on to link, maybe secretly she knows Link likes boys and thats why she cross dresses in the hope of attracting Link's attention(no?)

Ok heres how it really is Link wants to be a girl and is doing some sort of real life test and Zelda's a Lesbian through and through. she used to push Link back as much as posssible, but realized Link isnt a transvestite trying to save the world and make her straight in the process, but a normal transsexual on a jorney to womanhood. so Zelda drag kings up as shiek and helps Link on the way...

will they get it on in the end, thats up to Myamoto;)

p.s. is there a forum? cos i cant seem to find it.

[Ashley-Yin]

ok scrap that question im so blind.

and dont forget link says im comfortable in tights for a reason.